25 February

A practical guide for dealing with “butthurt”

Butthurt isn’t just when you sit on one (or eight) of your wheels at speed, it’s a perceived slight against you that you feel is undeserved and you could suffer from it because you don’t make the team, you disagree with a penalty or someone gives you advice that you didn’t ask for. Basically, your ego has taken a knock. The most important thing to remember though is that whatever has happened, the chances are that nobody intended to hurt or upset you.

Roller derby takes more than physical strength, you need to have your head in the right space and you also need to appreciate the emotional aspect too. You pour so much of your heart and soul in to your skating and your league that sometimes it all can be a little too much and you need to be able to deal with that.

Feeling wronged really sucks but with leagues growing and personalities more and more likely to clash (plus competition will only get harder for coveted team spots), I can only advise on how I build a bridge and get over myself when my ego is bruised. but in the Hellfire Harlots we are incredibly lucky that there is no drama as we have a great support network.

  1. Get some perspective – You might have missed team selection this time round but there is always next time. Maybe somebody laid a massive hit on you that you felt was over the top but maybe they are tired and overcompensating. Try and see things from other people’s point of view.
  2. Talk to someone who isn’t involved – When I’m in the depths of my butthurt, tough love and honesty can make everything a lot worse which is why I need to reflect on what happened before I open my mouth or I go in circles and that is really annoying! Try talking to someone who is outside of derby so you can step away from what happened and hopefully stop yourself from over-analysing. Talk to someone who will sooth your troubled ego so  you’re ready for step three…
  3. Talk to your team mate – In my family we say the most awful things to each other and the next day everything is rosy, no apologies needed. Your team might be closer to you than your own family but to work together you need a mutual respect and that involves listening, sometimes an apology and always a hug. This is probably the time you’ll hear something that you didn’t want to hear but you need to hear it and appreciate that you might need to change.
  4. Don’t stop going to training – It might feel awkward being around someone if you’ve had a difference of opinion but smile and carry on; stiff upper lip and all that jazz. Time really is a healer and the awkwardness could well be in your head.
  5. and certainly don’t moan to other team mates – It is one thing to ask for advice on how to handle a situation but it is totally another to say nasty about your team mate e.g. “OMG Kill’Her is SUCH a D-BAG! Why can’t she just quit?! HUMPH!” Whether you were in the right or not in the first instance, snide comments and talking behind someone’s back makes you the bad guy.
  6. Move on and mean it. Letting go of your anger and hurt is so important because we all HAVE to trust each other on the track. If you can’t forgive (or let someone forgive you) then you have to consider the negative impact that can have on everyone.

This blog is about sensitive egos and not about bullying or malicious actions. If you have a long standing issue with another member of you league then try and work things out with a neutral party e.g. your team liaison officer, before you do something silly (like ending your derby career before you are ready.)

By Kill’Her Instinct